Blue Notebook

I don't know how to start what I wanted to say...

All I have is a Blue Notebook and some Letters for people I love and care for.

That Blue Notebook holds everything that is dear to me, it is full of unexplainable feelings, thoughts, wishes and dreams. That Blue Notebook is Me.

There are some things that is very hard for me to explain and even more difficult for me to understand. I always feel alone even though I have my family with me... The feeling of aloneness comes from deep inside me and I'm tired of it.

I don't know if I am a bad person for not being able to understand others 100 percent. I am doing my best to be someone they want me to be. Someone strong. I don't know why people expect me to be someone who'll fit their lives...

I really don't want to make Epilepsy an excuse to not understand others and for them not to understand me... Who would want something like this? I'm sure no one will take my place even for just an hour.

I feel stupid acting like a fool. It hurts me to be like me... =(

Someone once told me "I will be with you as long as you need me..." but that wasn't true... I don't believe in words like those...

I feel pain and I know something is not right. I don't want anyone to know because I have learned that if you feel pain, just keep it to yourself... I learned that and I hold those words in my heart...

No one sees the real me. When they look at me, they'll see someone who laughs. Someone who makes people laugh. They see me strong, tough and cold... But the real me is far from that person I play everyday...

I'm sad because after 26 hard years of my life, I haven't found that one true love... Never had someone who don't judge me. I never had someone who kept their promise... I feel sad because I am sick and there is no cure for my condition... and people often judge me and say awful things about me...

I feel sad for a reason that only me knows and only me will understand... =(