The Never Good Enough Me

At times like now, I can truly see how darkness converge in on me. I was never good enough for anyone... They make me feel like I have never done any single right thing for the past 28 years of my life... I was never a good daughter or sister, or a good person...

I was never good enough... Let alone a qualified person to deserve a simple life.

Haven't I been good at times when everything in our lives seem to fail? Wasn't I a good daughter to my parents? Haven't I suffered enough from all the pain, sadness, struggles, failures, and some sacrifices that I have to face for some other people to feel better and happy?

If I were to compute all the tears that has fallen from my eyes, it'll be infinite and way beyond anyone can imagine. I always wear this smile so that people won't see how weak I am...

I remember one person telling me this: "People leave you because of you..." Well, maybe that person is right, maybe because I am never good enough.

Maybe it is better that I'd rather live my life alone and not bring any more suffering (as that's what they always tell me, I am such a burden to them all...) to the people around me.

I have given my best in everything yet I always seem to fail, fail in a manner that I am always such a disappointment. Maybe that is also one reason why people can't stand to love me. They have never appreciated the simple things I can do or the simple gestures I show them, maybe simple things don't really matter...

I just want to go and leave all the pain and sadness behind me. All the not-so-good things that people tell me and in return, no matter how hard I try not to tell them not-so good things because I feel hurt, it all ends up with me feeling sadness.

Nobody knows or neither they can see how sad I am. They never asked me if I am okay. But then of course, I would always say that I am quite good. Knowing that they're just curios and they never really care.

I have been fighting a hopeless battle and yet here I am, weak from all the blows and scratches life brings me, still I try to see some little light and maybe some day, someone to save me from all these...

I may never be good enough, but still I know inside me, I can still stand.

Dear Astro Boy

Please take me to the moon and  never let anyone hurt me...

=,(

Iskringkles Chronicles - Part II

I got used to always having a backup plan. Well, just in case Plan A won’t work out well and when it finally hits you that it was never meant for you, and then you opt for a Plan B and even a Plan C.

I am now about to start yet another journey to pursuing my happiness. Some few months ago, I wasn’t really thinking of ever using my backup plan, as I thought everything is going to be A okay, but of course, we always shouldn’t expect for good things to always happen, because let’s face it, when something is not meant for you, it really is not...

I took that long Holy Week vacation because I somehow felt that things will not go through the course that I have wanted and I needed some time away from the people and work that I have come to love and appreciate. I kept it to myself and I guess everything is okay now. I will always be thankful to have met people who made me better, people who have taught me so much (more than they know they have), people that showed me who I never want to become, people that have inspired me to pursue my happiness, people that I have admired, and that one person whom I never thought would make me see other different sides of that strong-willed-word “Love.”

I will always be thankful to have been part of F&B World Magazine, even if it was short-lived. I would always treasure the times I have spend with my team and some other few people from HIP that makes my every day worthwhile. So, thank you so much to those people, they know who they are. I don’t need to list down names. =)

So now that I was given that opportunity to experience how it really is in the world of publications, I have come to realize that writing, communicating, meeting people, seeing different sights and sounds, working until wee hours of the night, dealing with different attitudes, and adjusting myself to what is needed is something that I want, something that’ll make me fulfil. I am now ready to walk on the other side.

People would always say that “Something that you worked really hard is something worthwhile, but you have to endure the sacrifices and you need to have the courage to achieve that 'something'.” So now, instead of pursuing something that I am sure people would acknowledge me because they think that profession suits me perfectly, I am now going to take a sharp turn to a journey I know I will be happy...

I know that people would then again (for the nth time) disagree, but I don’t care anymore, because being a journalist and have the confidence to write better piece of articles is something that will make me face every day life much happier.

When I was young, I never really thought of pursuing a career that is related to writing, because I have set my mind on becoming a Civil Engineer, then eventually a Programmer. Now, I have realized that I should have taken that path right from the start. But since I am a person who don’t regret and dwell on things that would only make me feel down, I took that one decision to achieving my happiness.

Not just my dreams but also my happiness...

In a few days time, I will be taking an exam at Colegio de San Juan de Letran located in Intramuros, Manila. Eventually, take up Bachelor of Arts in Journalism. I remember asking my mom when I was at my junior year taking up Civil Engiineering in Mapua, that I want to transfer school just 3 blocks away from the Red and Gold Cardinals. Of course, part of my heart still belongs to my dear Mapua (nothing can change that), but this time, I would love to become a Letran Knights because I have always admired that school. I just never had the courage to pursue my happiness before. But now, things are different.

I know this may take time (again...) and I will always be thankful to Dear God for giving me parents who are always by my side, parents that never let me fall and hit the ground. My Mama who always understands me and loves me like no one else can... My Kuya who always have to endure and put up with my eccentricities...

To my Dear Mama and Papa, I won’t let you both down this time. I know that time will come that I can make the two of you proud. Because this time, it is not just my mind that will work overtime studying, but my heart too. The passion I have for writing made me a better person, it made me understand and appreciate things that are way beyond what my brain cells can handle, and that passion is something that will never fade inside me.

And all these conclude “Iskringkles Chronicles – Part II.”

-Kring =)

Ni

‎" Ni "

♪ Feng qing qing
Wo ting jian Ni sheng yin
Ni dui zhe Wo ding ling
Yao zhu yi zi ji de xin qing
Yu qing qing
Wo ting jian Ni sheng yin
Ni na zhe san kao jin
Wei Wo zhe zhe feng dang zhe yu
Yi dian dian xiang ku qi yi
Dian dian xiang zhe Ni
Ni de ai hen zhen xi
Wo zong yi lai zhe Ni de ji yi ♪

♪ Ni jiu xiang feng zai shuo hua
Shun zhe Wo fang xiang
Ni jiu xiang hai zhong de bo lang
Dui zhe Wo cheng zhang
Wo ming bai Ni de hui da
Wen rou de dui hua
Ai qing qi shi mei you ban fa
Bu bei gan dong ba
Ao bu shuo huang ♪

♥ Kring ♥


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How I love this song by Ariel Lin. =)

Yes, it's in Mandarin and I know you may not understand, but still this is how my ♥ feels. Though my blog is 94% English, 3% Tagalog, and 3% Mandarin, somehow I know my Written Thoughts would get through to you... =)

I know someday, time will come that I'll find the courage and the strength to let you know how I really feel... When that time comes, I will be free again. I may never know what'll happen, but I will never have any single regret...

"Wo xiwang Ni zhidao..."